@_Tempo11: Told my dog it's too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I'm a liar.
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@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs? ME: *scanning the menu* I don't even see them on here. What page are you on?
@RocketRankoon: My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
@SlabBaconBP: I don't hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
@fuzzlime: Using a cellphone in 90's: "he's prob a drug dealer" Using a payphone today: "he's prob a drug dealer"