@LoveNLunchmeat: Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn't seem to work as well for him.
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@ShittyComedian: I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
@Fred_Delicious: [rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl] me - "that was an accident can I have my egg back please"
@theshantilly: Non-tweeting friend: "So it's like FB?" Me: "Except everyone's mean & sarcastic & brutally honest." "Sounds awf..." "Awesome. I know."