Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
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My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.