Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
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Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
🤣
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Running from your problems is cardio .
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.