Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
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I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
work smarter, not harder
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words