@mjkspeaks: Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
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@TheGoodGodAbove: It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
@BrianIncognito: I turned to her and said "We're all just seeking validation, aren't we?" She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
@Brianhopecomedy: *2 year old runs by screaming* *72 ducks chasing her* "YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF THE BREAD."
@Dallani: One time, I broke my iPhone and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person I don't like to talk about it