@mjkspeaks: Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
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@LeBearGirdle: [invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs] "in a few years its gonna be really cold" *hands them mixtape* "you're gone need this"
@slimmy_shady: Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
@dizzydes86: Everybody always says they want a fairytale wedding, but when I show up and curse their newborn, suddenly I'm a jerk.