Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
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When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Chicken bread
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
The morning after pill, but for tweets
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
What my back needs
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet