@maughammom: Told my kids to get rid of toys they don't play with, so if you hear a commotion it's just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
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@ArfMeasures: FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food ME: I like to plan ahead FRIEND: But you haven't got a freezer ME: I'm a terrible planner
@jharden21: Me as a news anchor: an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
@semenphantom: *opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples* "The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared."