Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
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The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”