@SadMeterologist: Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.
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@RoosterMustache: DATE: *gets in car* ME: hi *starts driving* DATE: how's it going? ME: first, gas is sparked in the combustion chamber to push the pistons
@handsock_butts: HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy? ZEUS: don't- HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite ZEUS: this is why we banished u
@qwertying: Husband: Why are there broken condoms on our couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.