@WilliamAder: Told my wife that Hooters is an owl rescue sanctuary where I'm doing important volunteer work.
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@necrosocks: [Concert] Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle [Octagon player struts on stage] Triangle player: "What the-"
@0point5twins: Girlfriend left a note on the fridge "this isn't working, you take everything too literally". She'll be so happy when she sees the new one.