@WilliamAder: Told my wife that Hooters is an owl rescue sanctuary where I'm doing important volunteer work.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@OneTrickTofani: [At Wedding] Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife? Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND Priest: TOO LATE. YOU'RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
@TravLeBlanc: When the zombie apocalypse comes, we'll be the last to go because we never leave our houses.
@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: I really like you ME: I like you too HER: So did you bring protection? ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony