@WilliamAder: Told my wife that Hooters is an owl rescue sanctuary where I'm doing important volunteer work.
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@Overdue_Bills: She was like "wrong hole", so I said "adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn't knitting quilts Velma", long story short I'm still single.
@TheAlexP: Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
@Brianhopecomedy: Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could've sworn she mouthed the word "crap".
@HallpassCanada: If you're a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money