I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
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My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*