you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
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Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I’M CRYINGGG
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
good morning
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.