Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
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My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30