Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
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Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas