TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
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Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
m’lady
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
where’s Godzilla when we need him
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY: