Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.