Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
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FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”