BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
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Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*