@BBQJones28: Tomorrow I'm gonna chase someone...like really run after them..screaming and everything.
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@kendragaylord: [Whole Foods] Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE! *I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
@VaguelyFunnyDan: When I saw "likes music" on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
@mirandaasantos: throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn't get the memo..
@CornOnTheGoblin: [leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn't know they were going to do that "Just take me home"