[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
You Might Also Like
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah