Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
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Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.