they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
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Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
😲 WTF? 😆
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes