Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
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mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
whatcha thinkin bout