Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
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I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house