Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
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What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.