If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
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I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident