Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
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i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Cause of death: Zumba
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.