Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
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Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I hope Alan is OK
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*