Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
You Might Also Like
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.