My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
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Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect