I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
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One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History