Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
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Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Still my favourite meme.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.