Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
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People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident