If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
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[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.