My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
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McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—