Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
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[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall