I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
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*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.