When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
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My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Hey I worked for it too!
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy