Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
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COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.