TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
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Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.