Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
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It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
paddle faster i hear baby shark
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”