Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
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If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live