Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
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The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
🤣🤣
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
#FunnyLife Insects
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
knights of the ikea table
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.