Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
You Might Also Like
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.