*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
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This meeting could have been a cake
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Plumber: I think I found the problem
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
🤣
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.