*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
You Might Also Like
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
The old gods are rising again.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough