Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
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If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.