[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
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Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.