*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.