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Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
we’re dead?
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
describing stardew valley
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
TEETH IS INNOCENT
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?