*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
You Might Also Like
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
the official breakfast of 2021
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo