*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
You Might Also Like
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
real
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
greetings!
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.