“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
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“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius