I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
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“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.